Scared

We're 9 days from the due date!
I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I'm very excited about meeting my daughter, that is a constant but I'm terrified about the birth and all the things that could go wrong and the life after where I have to stay employed, insured, healthy and smart.
I heard a comedian in SF talk about his last memories before getting married and starting a family; hanging out with friends, playing video games. He wonders what on earth he was thinking, "Hey, I got this down. Shit, I'm going to pile up a huge stack of responsibilities, I can handle it." and then he mimed standing at the base of this precarious pile of kids, and pets, and bills and work, catching things as they fall and throwing them back to the top, juggling life.
That image is in my head constantly.
Isa and Tim just had their third and Tim wrote a detailed account of the birth process. It gave me a panic. Isa is a maternity nurse and Tim is sweet and smart and together they are my heroes in the birthing babies department. They had a rough time with this one including difficulties with the Dr. trying to rush things. Sheesh. They were at the hospital where Isa works! If they have these troubles what hope do I have?

I want to be strong for Bryna and for our baby (who we'd better name soon) and I know I will, somehow. But internet old friend, between us, AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Adventures in Baby Making

Don't get excited! The video is my cousins, Isa and Tim's baby. Ours is still "inside"

We're such granola munching hippies! I had no idea. Well, okay, I had some idea but having a baby really drives it home. We're cloth diapering, natural delivery, breast feeding, hippies.
We went to a class on cloth diapering. I was the only guy there. This surprised me. In this day and age do these dads really think they're going to get out of changing diapers?

At any rate, Bryna is at home now, officially on maternity leave. She thinks the baby will be late. I have a strange feeling she will be early. Either way we're weeks from the big event. Eeks. Nerve wracking, exciting, crazy.....

My cousins Tim and Isa just had a baby girl, a HUGE baby girl named Adia. Isa home birthed two other kids but Adia needed some help from the fine folks at the hospital where Isa works as a maternity/delivery nurse. The whole hospital was excited about Adia's birth. My cousin REALLY wanted a girl and even avoided knowing the gender in advance because she didn't want to be feeling disappointment while the baby and her were still so connected. I told here that it was a girl. The baby was late and I knew it was just like a woman to keep you waiting. Thank you very much. Remember to tip your servers!

We are buying as much of our stuff 2nd hand as possible, back to that hippy thing but also a broke thing. We went to one house to pick up some stuff and the father was limping badly. He informed me that this was his THIRD family He has a pair of kids now in their twenties, a pair in their pre-teens and now a baby and a toddler. Sheesh, no wonder he is limpling. All with different moms! I thought this pretty insane.

I remember my brother Erick getting his vasectomy and the doctor saying "You sure you want to do this? Not all marriages last." My brother said, "If I get divorced I'll still have three kids!" I agree.

I will try to get better at sharing pictures and video of the baby process.

The Baby's Dresser

We picked up a dresser from Craig's list. It's generation's old and nice and sturdy the way things that last through generations generally are. I'm not a tool guy, not a build it yourself type at all, but it felt really good to sand it down and primer it and paint it. I did it slowly and carefully and I think it turned out pretty nice. Of course with no proper work shop I did it in the back yard at the bottom of our stairs, made a horrendous mess and I'm sure thrilled the neighbors. But it's done now and we're filling it up with goodies.

Savage Wild Beast Child

We now play games with our baby girl, well Bryna does. Our friend Beverly taught Bryna to tap her belly in whatever spot the baby kicks, playing tag. The baby seems to be responding.
we also started playing music for her. Her first song was Deep Blue Day by Brian Eno, followed by In My Life by The Beatles, the song her parents walked each other down the aisle to. The baby bopped around during the two songs and then we played some Back off a Baby Bach album we found online. This seemed to sooth the baby and you know what they say... it seems we have ourselves a savage beast.
Savage Beast maybe, but wild child most definitely. That is the doctor's official diagnosis. Dr. Nutter said our little girl is one of the most active she's seen.
I had the strange experience the other day of waking up with the thought that I should play music for the baby while I waited for Bryna to get home from work, forgetting that Bryna keeps the baby with her for now. I'm anxious for my little girl to come out and say hello. I've never been good at waiting.

Father's Day

I was reluctant to celebrate Mother's day and father's day until after the baby was born partly because I have been full of fear that something would go wrong and rituals like this would make it worse if that happened.
I hope this didn't keep me from showing Bryna a good Mother's day. I'll be sure to really do it up right next mother's day.She did not seem to feel this reservation and I received breakfast in bed. Pancakes, fresh grapes, real maple syrup, fresh orange juice and my favorite, good strong coffee.

I watched that Ocho, Bryna's teddy bear, didn't try to sneak any of my goods.

Oh, and the little card is a gift certificate for Temple, my favorite coffee shop who are opening a new location which is right on my path to work.

A Little Girl

Amazing what an effect knowing the gender has had on the old psyche. The baby we're growing is suddenly less a nebulous thing and more MY DAUGHTER!

I have been warned by more than one father not to be too hard on myself if it takes me time to feel the love and attachment towards my child but I don't think this will be an issue with me. I love her already, as I watch her wiggling around in Bryna's belly, evading the ultrasound camera and otherwise being a wonderful, uncooperative little child of mine. I can't wait to meet her on the outside.

Bryna has been lopsided as the baby pushes to one side of the womb. I have been talking to that side, to the little bump the baby makes. Turns out I've been conversing with my baby girl's butt. Thanks baby.

We bought our first article of baby clothing, a onesie with a picture of a mummy on it and the words, I Want My Mummy.
We are dorks.

We take a picture of Bryna's belly every Friday and it is growing, growing, growing.
I guess we'll start talking about the baby shower soon.

We're talking names of course. I really like Maxine with the nick-name Max. Bryna likes Modain (sp?) with a nickname Mo. I like the Mo part but not so much the Modain. We both like Alia as a second choice, though I'm not sure we agree on the spelling, Allea? At any rate, the short version would be Ally which is very cute. It's a big responsibillity giving someone a name. Bryna and I both really like our names.

Crazy

The economy is still unstable and there are days when I go to work and it is a challenge to find work to do. I get scared. At the same time my comedy career is making some big steps towards at least increasing my income in a substantial way even if it still seems miles from becoming a career.
And still, the baby keeps growing. Pig flu, and new wars, and the belly is a little bigger every day.
The world is always ending. As far back as mankind recorded it's thoughts it seemed to think that the end days were upon us, and the babies kept coming.
It is wild to think what this kid could see in it's life time. I think what has happened in mine, and I'm not that old!
We've had three ultrasounds now, we've seen the baby stretch and wave and do the robot. The baby seems to favor Bryna's right side, hanging out over there and making my dear wife lopsided.
We've had blood tests which have all come back showing a high likelihood of everything being just fine.
My cousin Isa is having her third, Isa's sister, my cousin Kara is pregnant with her first and the biggest news, my kid brother and his girlfriend are expecting as well, his first, her second.
My older three brothers have kids who are or are fast becoming adults so I'm surprised to find myself becoming a parent with so much company. Makes me feel like part of a factory churning out humans.
I really hope we can get into a house though that seems increasingly less likely, not impossible but less likely. Houses finally drop within my price range and for the first time in my life I'm in the building industry, dependent on house sales to have the money to buy damn house. Ouch. But we'll see.
I haven't written here in a while, there is just too much to write and I freeze up. I wish I could just write, WOW, YAY, MAGIC, MIRACLE, but the emotions are more complex than that and even in a situation like this where we knowingly and willingly entered into this adventure it's still a roller coaster ride of doubt and fear and hope and love and excitement.
Bryna is having a good second trimester for the most part. A craving for tater tots tonight sent me to Safeway where I rean into my old friend James and his girlfriend and there new baby.
Bryna has more of a sweet tooth than she's ever had.
We find out on June 1st if we're having a boy or a girl. Bryna is sure she saw a penis in one of the ultrasounds. I say if the blip she is pointing at is a penis than we're not having a boy, we're having a man. I'm pretty sure she just saw a blip.
I recorded a CD. The recording went GREAT. Waiting to see what happens with that.
I'm not really sure if my book will be published or not. The publisher is seeming wishy washy. Having their own economic ups and downs.
And my documentary is still s l o w l y making it's way through theatrical release, if you can call it that. It plays in a couple of weeks at the "Plea for Peace Center" in Stockton CA.
If one of these things could just take off, and bump my profile as a comic/writer/whatever it would be SO great.
I better go to bed now. I could probably keep writing all night. It's hot. Poor Bryna. She'll be the most pregnant through the hottest months.